bff’s, bestie’s and the one who is closer than a brother…

“Never hate your enemy; it will only impair your judgment.” – Mario Puzo

There is an old motto which many have lived by for years and years: “Looking out for # 1.” The ideas of self-preservation and personal best interest have been ideals that many have abided by their entire lives. The parameters with which we accept and reject people in response to our outlook on the world can be as varied as the individuals we interact with. Social contracts of responsible action are broken everyday, leaving some to recoil their wider rays of acceptance. In the wake of this experience many retreat to interact with the old #1 lens of looking at the world. We all tend to be more inclined to those that serve our purpose, please our senses and afford us respect. We appreciate those who cater to our needs, listen to our problems and ask nothing in return. Far too often we seek those who will be proverbial “yes men” of support for our points of view and reason in action, and surround our lives with those who will not speak words of disagreement upon our choices. Unfortunately, we rarely open up the vulnerable side which acknowledges others as trustworthy equals, and we keep them at bay as supporting roles in our journey to the top. John Donne penned, “No man is an island,” yet within our society, many of us are in pursuit of island living. We may seek our island through financial independence, career achievement, debt relief efforts, social mobility or isolating ourselves to a position beyond reproach or accountability. There is a blueprint for cooperative community reliance which allows us to experience true friendship with others and actual acceptance, love and peace. Too often we strike out on our own and escape from these gifts of community, thinking we are striving for something better; in the process, we end up only finding the emptiness of being an island. Inviting others into the real aspects of our lives can relieve our constant guard for ourselves and keep reliable walls of friendship and love in place of the #1. In our world today friendship seems to be a shallow term. The casual “bff” is far more referred to than the actual friend of friends. One may have several situational “best friends” or those who have been considered “best” who are no longer. It has seemed that we have turned friendship into a convenience focused on self. We have contextualized this misgiving through online social networks, salacious personal status updates, and crying wolf in attention for the insignificant. Christ called us to be in unity with one another as a measure for survival and community strength. He calls us away from the shallow and the focus on #1 to be a part of something far greater than ourselves and casual indifference in the form of friendship; He has called us to abide in Him and with Him.

Many times we use relationships as a base to jump off of. We absorb all we can until we are ready to launch our on our own. Then we go out and achieve, experience and enjoy until we are at a low point and need community. It is an unfortunate thing that we do this with most of our relationships and friendships; we do this with our parents, our friends, our teachers, even with God. It is the peril of the focus of our lives being on ourselves, and the focus of our relationships being satisfied in our own needs and desires. In this method of friendship we become trapped on an island of centralization which contorts our view of relationship in our lives and turns people into sources of energy withdrawal instead of emotional renewal. It is an interesting and valuable thing to find someone who cares about others; one who lives in the freedom of authentic friendship. There is a true treasure in the relationship and a peace which transfers in the bond when you interact with someone who is focused outward. Brennan Manning states that these wondrous experiences, “come from the loving hearts of men and women who aren’t trying to impress anybody, even themselves, and who have won freedom precisely because they have stopped trying to trap life into paying them back for the good that they do.” This is the essence of Christ reflecting in relationships with others. It did not benefit Christ to suffer and die on a tree for mankind. He was not joyous in his experience of being beaten, mocked or speared. When he healed and forgave others, He did not say, “Go back to what you were doing. I was just checking in to see if you were in the same miserable state as before. Good luck with that. I just wanted you to feel good for a bit.” Friendship is a responsibility. True friendship asks hard questions, knows the true benefit of love covered confrontation based in concern, and knows the freedom in vulnerability that is embodied in community. It is not course or judgmental of others, accusatory or uninformed; it is embodied in the words of Proverbs – “a friend loves at all times,” and “as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

In correlation with seeking Christ in relationship for wholeness and peace, He has given us the community of the faithful to bond with and be strengthened by as we journey to his return together. This is the place of friends who are closer than brothers. The essence of having relationships of this caliber is embodied in being one of these friends to others; to be one who is living in the freedom of trapping friendships to require reciprocation in order to validated. In my own life I have a few of these wondrous treasures. Men and women, who faithfully pray for me, listen, talk and keep me accountable, knowing that I am doing the same on their behalf. They are continually used by God to teach me things about his nature, reveal who He is in response to my own person, and pour encouragement into my heart as we pursue the Lord in unity. Together we are responders to each other and the world around us. This is the essence of Puzo’s statement about focus on hating the enemy; it is in the essence of focusing on one’s self that they lose sight of the reality of another, and focus on their perception of them; eliciting an ultimate response of judgment. Basically, when we focus on ourselves, we become impaired to perceive the reality of necessity. When we realign our perception of another outside of our own benefit, tend to be able to understand their action and perception without self-imposed approval. Friend or enemy, bff or bestie, man on the street or our boss; when we listen, focus on others and respond, we retain the ability to engage them the way we should – not for our sole benefit but for their soul’s benefit. This benefit extends to others the external focus emulated in Christ. When we are centered in our hearts on Christ, and in response others, we are less concerned about our old #1 motto, and more respondent to the leading of the Spirit as we interact with the needs of others. We find peace in befriending others in truly meaningful relationships, empowered by freedom instead of isolated in the bondage of a world responding to us or an island of self soothed experience.

In John 15, Jesus describes the cooperative nature of our community; remaining in Him and connected with one another. He has brought us into friendship with Him for our benefit and charged us to love one another for their benefit. The sacrificial bond of friendship and love may cause us pain at times, but as we are in the vine with Christ, and when there is pruning efforts of bad fruit, we are all effected by the experience. Fortunately for us, He has strengthened the vine that it will grow strong under the care of the Father, and in the unity to each other through the love and sacrifice of Christ. We must remember that love is the crux of this interaction; it is the very heart of Christ to us and for us with others. We are connected in community. If we seek an island instead of the community we pull our very hearts out in disunity with Christ and others.

As we go forward interacting with others, we can know the bond of friendship in peace and cooperation within community. Let us embrace one another with the other’s benefit in mind and their peace in Christ as the goal of our friendship. The Lord has given us those around us to strengthen and encourage us, and more importantly for us to strengthen and encourage them. Let us pursue these irreplaceable treasures in our lives that we may be wealthy in the bonds of friendship and peace. Greater love does not exist more so than in the one who lays down his life for his friend. As Christ showed us the greatest love, let us love one another for each other’s benefit above our own. Let us not be casual in the self-focused subversion of shallow friendships and aloof pretensions of association. Let us be the friend who is closer than a brother. Let us live in the renewed community of love. Let us live in the freedom of being treasures to those whom we call friends.